Togetherness
This one is a repost of an older piece I wrote back in 2018. The spirit of it still rings true, so I think it deserves another life.
My daughter just left with her grandmother on a 9 day trip up to Alberta, Canada. It’s the longest we’ve been apart since she was 3 years old (she’s 9 now), making this the most substantial amount of time we’ve been away from each other in over 6 years.The days leaving up to her departure I thought about the freedom that her being away would afford me (as most parents who spend a lot of time with their kids do).
But now that’s she’s gone, I feel the inevitable pangs of regret for every time I’ve gotten frustrated with her, raised my voice, and the guilt over times I turned her away because of work, or out of pure parental laziness. I appreciate her when she’s around, but when she’s gone, it never feels like enough.
We glorify alone-ness and self-reliance as forms of freedom, and it’s absolutely true - independence is part of personal growth and the development of an authentic identity. But there is something even more freeing, I think, about being together with people in a real way. In being around someone constantly, sharing intimacies, silly jokes, and everyday life. Sharing platonic love and mundane experiences without expectation.
Being with someone so much that we can’t possibly keep up our social facades and are forced to be our true selves. And having someone who accepts us as we accept them. In the case of children, they accept us because they know no other way - we are what they know, and when we love them fully and accept them, they love us in turn.
My kid has taught me so much about this kind of acceptance. We are with each other almost constantly (outside of school, camps, and the occasional playdate). She has no preconceived ideas of who I am. All she knows is what she sees of me. She has no social context for how she thinks I should be based on how I look, act, or hold myself. A big part of how she sees and treats others is based on how I and her creator & mother talk about and treat others.
I am more free because I am beholden to her.
I have become a better person because of my proximity to her. She is undoubtedly special in my eyes, but the authenticity that my time with her has provided me has given me a sense of freedom and unselfconsciousness that I did not have when I was alone.
Togetherness with people, proximity to a non-judgmental and accepting community, these are profound parts of being human. If we can let go of our insecurities and be around people, we can become free.